Frustration

Okay, so I think it's great that Haydn is living with us and everything. I love having him near me all the time so that we can get used to each other again.

There is a downside to my happiness though. I obviously still love him and he hasn't exactly gotten less attractive since he left for Germany. He sleeps in my bed sometimes and I'm cool with that. But then I have to wake up beside him and my hormones go berserk. It sucks to be a teenager sometimes. I love the person who invented cold showers.

I could never say these things out loud though. I'm blushing just from writing them. Luckily for me Haydn doesn't even know I have a blog.

Weirdest weekend ever

I've just come home from what must've been the weirdest few days in my entire life. A few days ago I actually got abducted by strange men and tossed into the back of a van. I'm not kidding, it is 100% true. They let me of outside one of the cabins at Lake Maria without my cell phone or wallet or anything. Someone had packed some clothes and such in a suitcase though. I highly suspect my mum was in on this.

After having stood there alone for several minutes the van came back and another person joined me. When I saw that it was him I didn't know what to do. At first he blamed me for him being there but I think he realized that I couldn't have planned a kidnapping alone.

Then everything went cold between us again. Nothing I said seemed to make any difference. Not until I asked him what I was doing wrong. He asked me to lay down beside him and I couldn't say no. We fell asleep and when we woke up again I kissed him. It felt like coming home, like that was the only thing I was supposed to do. Of course I freaked but at least we're friends again.

He's even living with us now.

I won't leave him again...

I don't feel so 1337 right now

I met him again by a chance. I was trying to sort my thoughts out at the lighthouse and he just turned up. At first I thought I was hallucination. I've been thinking about him so much lately that I wouldn't be surprised if I started seeing him anywhere. It wasn't a hallucination though, it really was him.

He told me why he left. I couldn't be angry with him anymore because he's the victim of a crime that makes my stomach lurch. He's been raped and he's so obviously blaming himself.

I wish I could make him understand that it wasn't his fault and that I don't think he's disgusting or anything. I want to help him but he's not letting me. I tried, I really did but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say or how to act to make him feel better. I hate seeing him this way and it feels so wrong not to do anything.

I tried to make him talk to my mother but he left when dad came back home. That was an hour ago and I really don't know what to do anymore. I have to find him, help him as much as I possibly can.

All I've ever wanted was for him to feel good.

Gasping For Air

This isn't even funny. I was finally getting over the guy and then he had to show up again. Why? Why is he doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this?

So, what happened?

It started out as my days always does. It was when I got home from school that everything went downhill. He was parked outside my house. At first I didn't see who it was and when I finally recognized him my heart stopped dead in my chest. I thought I'd never see him again. I would've been fine with that.

He told me he came back for me, that he was sorry. He left me alone with a broken heart and tears enough to flood the entire state and now he is sorry! I was so mad at him, I still am. I'm more mad at myself though. As soon as I saw that it was him I wanted to throw myself in his arms and let him reassure me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to hold him close and just feel his breath against my ear again. The feeling was overwhelming and it made me sick. He left me and I got over him. There is no reason why I should want to do that, none at all. I don't want him back and at the same time it's all I want. It's so confusing and I don't know what to do anymore.

The bastard just had to come back...

A Normal Day In My Life

So this is what at day in my life looks like. I wake up, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, change from my pyjamas to whatever clothes I find in my wardrobe. Then I go to school which takes about 45 minutes. I could go by bus but since I don't want to literally bump into anyone I rather walk. A bus is too crowded for me. In school I spend all of my breaks in the library studying or something like that. Usually I'm alone because me and my former best friend Adam are still not talking to each other. After school I go home and study some more before I start playing WoW or Final Fantasy or something. Then I spend half the night doing that before I go to bed and start everything all over again.

Sounds like fun? I actually like my life like this. I see no wrongin being boring. Even if Joyce wants me to go to a nightclub with her. No way!

Still miss him.

First Of All

In this, my first post, I thought I might tell you all a little about myself. The simplest way of doing this is simply to list things about myself I guess.

Name: Markus Thorn

Age: 19, I'll be 20 on February 20th

Lives: Corona Heights, California

Occupation: College student, I want to become a software developer.

Hobbies: My computers Edd and Tom, video games, reading.

To be honest there isn't much more to me. The ones who know me IRL (Hi to all of you!) knows me as the shy and awkward boy trying to be as far away from other people as possible. It's true, I actually am afraid of having to be social. I just don't know what to do and I always panic if someone touches me. The way I am online is way different. I can be myself here. That's why I started this blog, so that people can see the real me and maybe understand that if they really want to be friends with me it's not impossible. Another reason is because a few months back things started happen in my life and I don't really have anyone else to talk to so I'll just write it down instead.

So in order to bring you up to date I'll give you a quick recap of the past few months:

I thought I was going to spend my life alone but then I met a guy named Haydn in the park. I helped him with his computer twice and to make a long story short he became my first everything. Then suddenly, not too long ago, he broke up with me and left for Germany. I don't know what to do, I don't even understand why he left. I miss him so much.