Frustration

Okay, so I think it's great that Haydn is living with us and everything. I love having him near me all the time so that we can get used to each other again.

There is a downside to my happiness though. I obviously still love him and he hasn't exactly gotten less attractive since he left for Germany. He sleeps in my bed sometimes and I'm cool with that. But then I have to wake up beside him and my hormones go berserk. It sucks to be a teenager sometimes. I love the person who invented cold showers.

I could never say these things out loud though. I'm blushing just from writing them. Luckily for me Haydn doesn't even know I have a blog.

Weirdest weekend ever

I've just come home from what must've been the weirdest few days in my entire life. A few days ago I actually got abducted by strange men and tossed into the back of a van. I'm not kidding, it is 100% true. They let me of outside one of the cabins at Lake Maria without my cell phone or wallet or anything. Someone had packed some clothes and such in a suitcase though. I highly suspect my mum was in on this.

After having stood there alone for several minutes the van came back and another person joined me. When I saw that it was him I didn't know what to do. At first he blamed me for him being there but I think he realized that I couldn't have planned a kidnapping alone.

Then everything went cold between us again. Nothing I said seemed to make any difference. Not until I asked him what I was doing wrong. He asked me to lay down beside him and I couldn't say no. We fell asleep and when we woke up again I kissed him. It felt like coming home, like that was the only thing I was supposed to do. Of course I freaked but at least we're friends again.

He's even living with us now.

I won't leave him again...

I don't feel so 1337 right now

I met him again by a chance. I was trying to sort my thoughts out at the lighthouse and he just turned up. At first I thought I was hallucination. I've been thinking about him so much lately that I wouldn't be surprised if I started seeing him anywhere. It wasn't a hallucination though, it really was him.

He told me why he left. I couldn't be angry with him anymore because he's the victim of a crime that makes my stomach lurch. He's been raped and he's so obviously blaming himself.

I wish I could make him understand that it wasn't his fault and that I don't think he's disgusting or anything. I want to help him but he's not letting me. I tried, I really did but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say or how to act to make him feel better. I hate seeing him this way and it feels so wrong not to do anything.

I tried to make him talk to my mother but he left when dad came back home. That was an hour ago and I really don't know what to do anymore. I have to find him, help him as much as I possibly can.

All I've ever wanted was for him to feel good.

Gasping For Air

This isn't even funny. I was finally getting over the guy and then he had to show up again. Why? Why is he doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this?

So, what happened?

It started out as my days always does. It was when I got home from school that everything went downhill. He was parked outside my house. At first I didn't see who it was and when I finally recognized him my heart stopped dead in my chest. I thought I'd never see him again. I would've been fine with that.

He told me he came back for me, that he was sorry. He left me alone with a broken heart and tears enough to flood the entire state and now he is sorry! I was so mad at him, I still am. I'm more mad at myself though. As soon as I saw that it was him I wanted to throw myself in his arms and let him reassure me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to hold him close and just feel his breath against my ear again. The feeling was overwhelming and it made me sick. He left me and I got over him. There is no reason why I should want to do that, none at all. I don't want him back and at the same time it's all I want. It's so confusing and I don't know what to do anymore.

The bastard just had to come back...